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dawn of light
It’s been a long while since I’ve last made a post on this. I find myself alone with a contemplative mind at 3 in the morning while others lay asleep. Late night has always been good to me in terms of blogging, I can’t really find any other time where the ink flows to the paper.
A lot has happened in the past 2-3 weeks, and needless to say I don’t think I have the capacity to explain it all. All I tend to do nowadays is smile.
I’ve always figured the world to be a mysterious place shrouded with doubt. To be able to navigate this correctly it was always important to have kind of a safety cushion of skepticism, whether it be with yourself or with others. To run recklessly into the fog not prepared always got you hurt. I always assumed that this would be true, and for the past few years I’ve been living in hurt-prevention mode. In order to get your hopes up, you have to have hope right?
After watching MSG sometime around my sophomore year in high school, it set the tone for the rest of my romantic endeavors for the next 5-6 years. I had this whole naive idea that one day a girl would just somehow stumble into my life, and compel me to work at a relationship and for it to just feel right. When things turned out not to be just perfect, I jettisoned the relationship or tried to just transform it into the silly korean movie that I had been enamored with. Through the tons of relationships I started and ended, a few things became clear: 1.) girls do not like it when you treat them as an actress in a slightly entertaining (At best) romantic comedy, 2.) girls are never going to be perfect, and feelings are something you just build with someone you care decently enough about, and lastly 3.) you can’t be a girl’s boyfriend and psychologist. conflict of interest.
I took the second lesson in mind when I started trying to another doomed relationship; this time with something that started with a drunken kiss, despite the fact that I truly wasn’t that attracted to her. Time would make me appreciate this and like it more I kept on telling myself, pushing aside my gut feeling that it just didn’t feel right, and that there wasn’t chemistry. Chemistry was something that could be built, right? Yet it was just a frivolous effort, and a waste of time on both ends. I ended up being bored, and honestly, you can’t fix bored either. At least crazy was fun sometimes.
I don’t think I ever gave up on the idea of that girl who would one day just revolutionize and push aside the years and numerous failed experiences in my past, but just when you play with the idea, fate plays the same joke he/she always tends to play and you end up with something you’ve been waiting for the longest time.
Yeah. I didn’t think I’d fall so fast.
I’ve found a clearing in the haze.
