8-19

I will attempt to write in this without any bias… which is extremely hard given the fact that I’ve lived my whole life somewhat editing what comes out of my mouth based on who’s around. People would say that it’s a sociological means to get along with others, but I do it so intensely well that I tend to forget that sometimes its just not about pushing an agenda, and I always end up feeling so shitty afterward.

A few nights ago like a true pedobear in a fit of drunk, I managed to get betty to come over and drink for the first time. To me it was a momentous occasion that I wanted to make memorable. Honestly she’s one of the first friends that I feel comfortable saying that we won’t ever not be friends. Girlfriends and boyfriends (ha) aside, I don’t think that will manage to get in the way of our friendship. That’s also why I feel comfortable going forth with just saying how I feel about the past few days, even if there is a slight conflict of interest.

Anyway as we were driving back and betty was just sapping on tequila as to take a completely scientific approach to getting drunk for the first time. I was impressed with her levelheadedness, and we ended up near ms’s park where we sat on a bench and talked for a few hours. The fact that I didn’t find this odd is truly an indicator that my ratio of kdrama to reality is pretty close to even. We talk about things we normally talk about, some things that we don’t, overall it was a pretty good talk. One we haven’t had in ages. Remind me when I read this again that I need to spend more time with her before she embarks somewhere far far away. I think my favorite part is where she asserts that she’s spoiled for having bought a thousand dollar jacket. Let me tell you something though, out of all the people I know, I would believe that she truly deserves such a jacket, and that her belief system (along with her dads) is grounded in understanding that most many others dont have. In my life I don’t think I’ll ever spend a thousand dollars on anything like that, but she’s one person that I can almost be opposite when it comes to ideas but still just.. understand. I pretty much value her over any relationship that I could ever embark on, and when people always talk that way about family… I think of her.

This is kind of a terrible segway to the next sequence of events, but we decide it’s too cold and go back and try to get the keys (at ex-gf ms’s house) and just talk in the car. By this time I’m double drunk, 1 1/2 hung over, and tired as hell. I’m sitting on the pavement in shorts in 50 degree weather with my phone in hand and just laying on my hands listening to the music. I think I slip in and out of conciousness for about thirty minutes until she comes back. She tells me that she had to talk to ms, and that she had a “breakdown” with the whole hanging out thing outside her house/not being clear about it/ etc. At that point I feel a slight mix of anger/awkwardness/other odd feelings of nostalgia, but given my relationship with betty, i try (try is the keyword) to throw it out and continue said fun/interesting/meaningful conversation we have from before. We talk for another two hours before I just cant keep my eyes open and she goes in to sleep while i sleep in a car outside my ex-gf’s house. slightly strange?

fast forward to the next night and I have two dreams about ms, both slightly disorienting and upsetting. Why is it back to this again? After every random period of nothing, there’s ms perculating in my memories somewhere. I always have this honeymoon period with my feelings as if she was this stellar person (she might have been) and all my memories were peachy (i don’t think that’s really the case). The thought comes in where I believe that after two years I managed to fuck up that so badly and that she was so non-involving (maybe part of the problem) that I need some kind of closure, and she refuses to give it to me. *

* this is probably not really the case, but it’s how my mind tends to warp and twists things so that I can cope.

fast-forward once again to plenty of hours of frustration, one fb message that’s slightly warm and extending out there, a few hours / days of waiting, and an atypical ” i dont care why are you making this a big deal” message from ms. I think in my ten month relationship with her she managed to say that about everything to everyone else, but spill to me so I take it with a grain of salt. She also manages to be nice to everyone else, but I don’t get that treatment. I’m not saying I deserve it, but most of the time what I at least want is some kind of affirmation that I don’t get it because of how she feels, rather than saying “i dont care”. That is a compulsive need that I hate a lot, but can’t get over. Well until now, because I’m pretty fed up with that shit.

At this point I won’t revolve my whole relationship equilibrium around ms, because quite frankly it has been for such a long time. There are internal measures of this and that, and she’s the gold standard. Why? I have no idea. Like I said, she could have been amazing, or maybe I paint it that way in my head. All the romantic anime / drama that I’ve watched in my time kind of lean it that way.

So where does all this intertwine? All this pent up frustration / questions in my head, the one person that in reality that probably has more answers than anyone else is the one person that I don’t feel comfortable talking about it with. That’s the one thing that I don’t talk about with her, or try to avoid completely. There are just a lot of lines crossed, or things I don’t know of or shouldn’t know , or ? Either way, it wont get in the way.. I just am too fed up with myself. I’ve been trying too hard to fix things that are unfixable, thinking that I should just try to make everything positive, and at that point I’ll be happy / content. At this point I feel more ready to just channel this slightly negative energy to something that can result in something better. I’ll continue just bettering myself to put myself in a position to share strong and meaningful friendships / relationships with others, and be stable enough to keep someone happy. I think at the point I’m numb with frustration and anger, but when this aenesthetic passes, I will probably feel terrible but I have recently been on a self-bettering kind of crusade. This will be one of those things. I will be better. I think I deserve to say screw off to this situation.

on a side note i’m going to write at least twice a week, and not more than 4 times a week as to not burn out.

a few things i’m making a habit of
-writing
-running
-hanging out with betty

yeah!

2 years ago  /  0 notes