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12-10
12/10
I’m a really fickle person. As I drove to BART this morning the fog was still settled in such a manner that I could barely see ten feet in front of me. From the moment I got in the car until I got to school I wanted to blog.
This is more of a forced entry, based on my feelings from over 10 hours ago. This morning as a I went into my first final I felt a dull sensation in the back of my head. At first I thought I just had some kind of headache but I realized that I have constantly felt inadequate for the past few months. The people around me are younger, and more determined. I’ve been around for years now, yet I’m finding myself listening to first-years talking about their aspirations and current events.
I’m stuck. I’ve been stuck and it’s been frustrating.
The thing is, although this isn’t a new feeling, it isn’t one that I feel on a daily basis. It’s lingering, and that’s the worst part. I find myself feeling poorly about the whole thing, and momentarily feel inspired at that moment, or for that hour, to do something about it. After a few hours, the initial harsh feeling goes away, and I’m back to lulling about.
I really want to do something about it. I want to feel inspired.
Lately I’ve been finding myself just doing absolutely nothing. Whether it’s sleeping, or playing DOTA, those are the two things I do besides an occasional glance at my guitar, or my homework. And things have suffered since. Among other things I feel like my writing ability has taken a huge hit, and most things seem too blurry in my mind to piece together.
I’m not sure where this is going, and it seems to be a trend. I have one final and one paper left, and it’s over for a month.
There are a few things that I plan or hope to do over break, and I want to start on them as soon as the break starts. If I decide to rest for one day, it will turn into the whole break. First of all, I want to find more music to listen to. With last.fm jostling through my library and offering me suggestions, I don’t think that will be a problem. I’ll probably have to scour through some bad RnB to complete my collection, but once again, I have a whole month to do it. I also want to blog at least 3 times a week. I feel bad that I’ve neglected it, and yet I feel like my life has been too confusing to write down. That’s ironic that I would put it that way, it might just be because I’m too embarrassed to admit that I’ve been leaning back and forth between two potential relationships and it scares me to pick one. It’s not even as if I don’t want to pick one, but I really feel horribly about what the other will feel. That might be the problem though. My inability to step on other people’s feet, or to at least make a decision knowing that the other will be hurt is not only killing me, but I feel like it’s killing both of them too. Life hasn’t been that easy in a while.
It’s going to be another week of stress before I can go back to just thinking. I’ve been sleeping when I can, and I admit that as unproductive as that sounds, it’s been amazing. Beyond the physical attachment I’ve embodied sleep to be, I’ve began to remember dreams more vividly, and have been having them way more often. I’ll probably try to write those down too.
Two of my dreams that I remember clearly (maybe I want to remember them the most) involve me traveling back in time. In one that was high school musical-esque, It ended with me grabbing MS by the arms, with her looking at me as if nothing bad has ever happened, and we kissed. This was before we were dating, and it was just a simple crush. If I were to try to explain my dream literally (which it might or might not be), I’d have to say that I’m still insanely attached to the idea of that first moment, where a crush comes to attrition to be pure bliss. There’s no problems, no stigmas or anything attached to it. Most happy couples are able to settle down and move beyond that. I think that I’m getting better at it, but I mean that dream is still vivid in my mind. I wish to find what else the crevices of my mind have to say. I know that I’m over that relationship, and have been. It was a single point in a flowing river (to steal a metaphor from my given religion), and it has come and passed. I’m glad for what I learned, and what it gave me, but wasn’t it great?
Since this is going in my private coffers, and I’ve already talked about MS, I’d like to talk about AN. There’s something amazing about her. She gets in my head unlike any other person. Sometimes it’s a bad thing, I feel amazingly uncomfortable… but as of recent she just understands, when I vent, or whenever we talk about something serious we agree. It’s so insane that I’ve met three girls in my lifetime at this age that I’ve felt such a strong connection with. All in different ways I guess.
If I had to try to explain it, MS would be something that was unspoken, that worked. AN understands me, how I work, and gives me faith that I am not just stuck where I am. MK is a tangible, fun, relationship. I make her happy, and that makes me happy. We communicate (in person) very well, on a daily basis. However when I’m far from her AIM conversations / phone don’t feel the same. I’m not sure what it lacks, something along the lines of physical sensation.
The thing is, I feel like all of these traits are equally desirable. But it’s unfair to say that, as each is convinced that they want ME and only me, and I have to choose, right? At this moment, it’s extremely easy to say that if it was possible, I’d choose none. It’s not even a self-sacrificing kind of feeling, there is just so much baggage attached in either direction, that I would just love to put things on pause or something, and not worry about it.
Oh well, that’s not possible. This break will figure itself out maybe. Hopefully. For now I got finals and that trip to LA to think about, and that in itself is enough. Way enough.
I’ve been hanging out a lot with Adam lately. Although he rants a lot, and I try to understand, sometimes I have too much of a headache to pay complete attention. He is the only reminder in my life that I’m not the only person that overthinks things. I think his priorities are more aligned in finding meaning in the Universe, while I try to find meaning in my relationships. Makes it seem so trivial, hah. Although that’s the case I find myself hanging out with him whenever I can. He’s the one person that I feel like I don’t have to constantly be the one asking questions, or being on top of things. Ah
I’m in Castro Valley, and I’ve run out of things to write! Till next time!
