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Once again I’m on the BART and rather than get some reading done I figure it would be more worthwhile to blog. The past week has been a blur. In terms of class load ever since I dropped Japanese it’s been amazingly relaxing. I haven’t had the pressure of consistently studying 2-3 hours for a class I was going to pass/not pass anyway. Sometimes there are just choices that you make that are based for the better, and even though I really enjoyed Japanese I think this was a good decision.
I was driving like an idiot with a few people in my car and got LIDAR’d in Fremont. 85+ in a 65, ugh. It’s really not that big of a deal, as I think I’ve already come up with a potential solution, and there are 4 degrees of severity, with the worst case being I just pay the ticket and take the point on my insurance. In reality it’s not something that I really need to worry about that much, but I was panicking. Actually panicking wouldn’t describe it well, it was more that I had an extremely obsessive desire to go home and figure out exactly what I wanted to write, say, and do for this. It just goes to show that I have no real control over what goes on in my mind still, regardless of the rationale. The thought process that was going on in my head was that the ticket takes about 2-3 weeks to get here, plus I have to extend it then write my trial by mail… all that will take at least 2 months, yet I wanted to be home that particular second, to figure it all out. It just goes to show that sometimes when your life seems complacent something will always happen, might be good, most of the time it will seem bad, but in reality change is just constant, and I need to realize and get used to that.
I’ve been thinking lately about what has transpired in the past 2-3 years since moving on from High School. Prior to this year I felt as if college was a small stepping-stone where I didn’t learn much of anything. In retrospect I think that I’ve grown up to learn that really, I don’t have much control over anything, and that I have a lot more to learn about a lot of things. To be completely honest, I think that I more than most people have a lot of room to grow up. I’m not used to failure. Lifting a finger to get something that I wanted a while ago was not something that I would do. College changed a lot of things. It really is a close step to the “real world.” Although it’s relatively sheltered I really do need to step it up to get where / what I want. I used to think that things would eventually just fall into my lap, or that I would just figure it out eventually. Well eventually is essentially 1-2 years from now so that doesn’t work anymore. I have to admit, when faced with adversity I fold. I get very numb and very persuasive with myself that the failure was not my fault, or even if it was effort that was required was too much. I can’t do that to myself anymore.
In the same light I need to make a conscientious effort to get to know people. When I go to class I feel kinda lonely and it eats me up. Although it leaves a lot more room to be focused on class, it’s just so monotonous and sequential that I just am starting to go crazy. I have no idea where I’m going with this. I think that my mood just got sour with my constant self-evaluation, which has become more evident as of late. I used to not really think about it much but when you spend a bit of time disconnected from things like I do, it gets to you. I think it comes from being completely unattached to any type of “relationship-relationship” with someone. Now that I’m lacking that someone, there’s just a lot more to be aware about. I keep on wavering between thinking that I do need something and that I don’t. Even within the timeframe of this blog, and on the walk down to the BART from school, I flip flopped. When it comes down to it though, either way even if I don’t need something like that, I think I need some friends-more-than-acquaintances anyway. So I’ll make that effort.
I think my problem is that at least with the opposite gender, I have this insane tendency to think of some of the people I get to know on a potential GF-status first, then step it to friend status after something changes that. The first part is what the problem is though, in that I become really nervous and self-aware, and think potential situations through, and then I feel weird about that, wondering why I even think that way, and eventually just bail out, or end up just being quiet and weird.
ITS OK ILL FIX IT. Or something! Anything. Just right now I’m kind of down on it all but I think after a nice nap, it’ll be okay. I think that all that’s been going on ends up helping me grow up a bit. I hope that through it all though I still strive to maintain my relationships with all my close friends, because through it all not only have they been there for me I think that I can be there for them infinitely better than anyone else.

I’m getting really sentimental and gross right now, so I’ll end it here!

3 years ago  /  Notes