catharsis

I’m going to try to make a habit of writing often. I know I always say this and I always end up quitting maybe a few days in or at most a week, but I feel like through this effort I can keep some consistency in my habits.

Today was a relatively uneventful day. Post dream/blog, I ended up just being unable to sleep, so I went at studying instead until I could finally fall asleep again for a few minutes before class. Despite the day being as plain as could be, I found myself riding the highs and lows of the day without much thought put into it. 

After class I ended up taking an extended nap, waking up / eating, and then watching Better Luck Tomorrow. Whether or not it was spured by my AAS class, I found it interesting to look at from another perspective after give or take seven years ago when I first watched it. It goes without saying that the way I looked at the movie definitely has changed, and it does give off nuances of being a primarily Asian American culture film. It’s subtle, but stylistically I don’t feel like any film, independent or not has been shot or written in the same way. Not that it’s better than any other good/great cinema, but it’s different. Personally I feel like it speaks of the human condition concerning growing up, and highlights “breaking the cycle” well. I think that setting the scene for high school gives the actors and writers an opportunity to give the characters another chance to move on, despite the faults of the past, but leaves it ambiguous about their true future. I’ve always been disappointed in the movies and shows that have been scripted for HS when in reality the actors, the viewers, and for the most part everyone involved is actually a lot older and thematically it would be more well received at a college level/age.. but I get why it’s necessary. 

Either way, it’s a good film from both a fun and critical perspective, and I’ll end up keeping it on my harddrive to watch every once in a while. It also gave me time to think about my own life and I found the experience somewhat relatable. In high school there was this definite high of amorality and limitless that was for people who were clever enough. As time goes along I began to realize that the lack of habits that I had and did have combined to form a cycle that I haven’t tried to break until now. Intelligence and motivation are two very separate entities, and without any significant events, I think that intelligence definitely hinders motivation. What was the point of trying harder when you could get away with anything anyway?

One thing that intelligence did not help me with earlier in life was maintaining strong morality and virtues, and specializing in things. It’s kinda disappointing that now twenty-one years into life do I realize that… not only that noone really cares that you’re “kinda good” at everything you try, you yourself probably has some resentment for not being good at any particular thing. “Jack-of-all-trades” is a term coined for those who are clever and can get away with tons of things on the surface level… but in reality you’re just cheating others and yourself out of things. 

Either way, I’ve been spending give or take 10 hours a week of doing work/studying, which is more than I would probably in a month span. And yet I don’t know everything… the feeling is similar to a physical workout, where you feel like there’s room for tons of improvement, but you’re getting there one step at a time. It’s cathartic. 

1 year ago  /  1 note